One year, 4 months, and 4 days until Hawai'i. That's what my blog timer says today. The pressure is building up. I feel overwhelmed, and there are moments when I ask myself, "What if I'm not good enough for the scholarship?"
Fortunately, I can't afford to entertain doubts right now. Welcome to Anatomy of an Aloha "Hello": Oh the dear moment of giddy enthusiasm. The heart palpitates at the thought of a dream becoming a reality. It's like back in high school again, when my crush would cast a smile in my direction, and I'd mull it over for nights: Was he smiling when he happened to turn his head, or did he turn his head and then smiled? If the latter were true, did he smile at me out of courtesy, or did he like me?
The feeling is like that at the moment. During Lent, I resolved to free myself of clutter... to let go. So, I started with my dusty bookshelf. I wanted to declutter my closet, too, but being a girl, I had decided against it. Lent is simply too short a season for THAT. It turned out to be a sound decision, because not only did I manage to put some order in my home office a.k.a bedroom, but more importantly, I found something spring up from inside me once there was room enough for it--HOPE.
My bookshelf still looks a bit too crowded for my taste, but it's no longer dusty. It's more organized now, too. I know I'll get to do the same for my closet. Decompartmentalize and liberate.
Today, I started on a health and fitness program (My body should be buff enough when I hula my way out the plane). Also, I got to work on my application essay. I've been brainstorming for days now, and I know that I will have to start writing my draft--the first of many drafts to be revised until it's time to say: THIS IS IT. I actually wrote a paragraph comprising of 3-4 sentences. Yay! And that's just for one essay question... When I'm done with it, there'll be 7 more to go.
So what if I don't make it to Hawai'i? Well, I'll be slimmer, and my muscles well-toned. It reminds me of a quote by W. Clement Stone, "Aim for the moon; that way, if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." I will also have worked on 8 essays, which I can frame as a reminder that there's always something to keep me going in life. There will always be a new hope. Something to look forward to. A new beginning.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The End
I picked up one of the books in my dusty shelf this morning: a copy of Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." I was reading it to my sister in Maryland via Skype, because I wanted to make a point in our discussion. I've read this book a long time ago, but my current life conditions have given me fresh eyes as they glided fluidly over Albom's words.
The first chapter is called The End. The following words seemed to leap right out at me: "It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time."
He's right, you know. I wonder whether I'd have given myself a chance to dream again had my then-boyfriend proposed to me instead of giving me the exhausted "It's not you, it's me" cliché. Looking back, I think I'd still continue dreaming about attending grad school in Hawai'i, but that would be all there is to it--a dream.
This has only been my second real relationship, and it lasted 5 years. The first one lasted 3 years. I don't think that I can handle one more failed relationship (is what I said the first time), so I guess I'll have to stop right about... here (I said that the first time, too!). I believe that it's about time I finally focus on just myself. Now, THIS is something I'm saying FOR the first time now.
The End is often sad. However, if I look at it as a chance to a new beginning, then it can be exciting, too. I know I'll be happy again. One day at a time. One day at a time.
The first chapter is called The End. The following words seemed to leap right out at me: "It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time."
He's right, you know. I wonder whether I'd have given myself a chance to dream again had my then-boyfriend proposed to me instead of giving me the exhausted "It's not you, it's me" cliché. Looking back, I think I'd still continue dreaming about attending grad school in Hawai'i, but that would be all there is to it--a dream.
This has only been my second real relationship, and it lasted 5 years. The first one lasted 3 years. I don't think that I can handle one more failed relationship (is what I said the first time), so I guess I'll have to stop right about... here (I said that the first time, too!). I believe that it's about time I finally focus on just myself. Now, THIS is something I'm saying FOR the first time now.
The End is often sad. However, if I look at it as a chance to a new beginning, then it can be exciting, too. I know I'll be happy again. One day at a time. One day at a time.
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| "Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it . You hold it. You dance with it." |
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