Waiting to wait

Photo credit: pepe on Flickr Creative Commons

Today, my ex is leaving for his home country. Don't worry, it's nowhere near Hawaii. Soon, he'll land and begin a life that I'll no longer be a part of. I might as well wipe my own slate clean.

It's been seven days since I sent my letter of inquiry. The days seemed to drag by, and I would refresh my webmail page every now and then to see whether new mail has gotten through. I thought, "Oh...'kay... so this is what waiting feels like." I once read a text message which goes like this: Staying in love with someone who doesn't love you back is like standing in the subway platform, waiting to hail a cab.

I don't want to wait like that.

And then at 9:30 this morning, I was refreshing the page--with ritualistic reverence, if I may add--my eyes flitting down the page, when something in the Subject column made me catch my breath: "RE: Letter of Inquiry."

The pointer hovered over the link for a while. What's it going to say? Should I read it now, or would it be better to open this when I'm no longer in that I'm-okay-but-I-get-teary-eyed-easily mood? What the... All this  drama on waiting, and now I can't even manage to read the ultimatum?

I closed my eyes. Heart running a marathon in my ribcage, I double-clicked the link. I pulled my head back as far from the display as possible. I squinted at those 3 short paragraphs which would determine the life of this blog, and read through my eyelashes.

"Thank you for your interest in the ... Scholarship Program."

Uh-oh. The calm before the storm. The last meal before the chamber. I half-expected the next line to read: However, we regret to inform you that...

Still reading through dark, veiled eyes, I realized that the next line didn't start with an H, and it was much too short to be "However."

My hope bubble began to grow in that moment, giving me enough courage to read the succeeding paragraphs starting from "Yes, the scholarship is offered in support of most programs in the University, including your field of interest... If you are interested in applying for scholarship to begin a program in Fall... please submit..."

My ride may not be here yet, but at least I know I'm waiting on the right stop.